My father, bless his backward heart, saw fit to forward me one of those annoying anti-Obama emails. This one has a subject line of "Stupid is as stupid does" but might as well be titled "Wake up, white people." It consists of a ridiculous list of Bad Things--from hijackings to assassinations--attributed to "Muslim male extremists between the ages of 17 and 40."

It then goes on to point out that:

"According to The Book of Revelations:

The Anti-Christ will be a man, in his 40s, of
MUSLIM descent , who will deceive the nations with persuasive language,
and have a MASSIVE Christ-like appeal....the prophecy says that people
will flock to him and he will promise false hope and world peace, and
when he is in power, he will destroy everything.


And Now:
For the award winning
Act of Stupidity
Of all times the People of America want to
elect, to the most Powerful position on the face of the Planet --
The Presidency of the United states of America

A Muslim
Male
Extremist
Between
the ages
of 17 and 40."


Okay. I'm going to type *reeeeeeal slow* for my relatives who probably won't get it anyway. For the hundred-thousandth time: Barak Obama is not Muslim.

And while I'm on the subject, the obsessive use of his middle name as an attempt to encourage negative associations also needs to stop. We don't shun everyone named Adolph or George--let's leave the Husseins of the world the fuck alone.

Every single candidate in this race has *plenty* of legitimately negative qualities and closet-skeletons we can criticize--fabrication and inflation are entirely unnecessary.

( (The entire email is behind this cut, if anyone cares to wade through it.) )

Hey, teachers: this one's for you. (This stuns me. And in a public school, no less.)

Colleen Leduc already had a lot going against her. The Barrie woman was holding down a job while struggling to raise her autistic 11-year-old daughter.

. . .

Leduc's weird tale began on May 30, when she dropped young Victoria off for class at Terry Fox Elementary and headed in to work, only to receive a frantic phone call from the school telling her it was urgent she come back right away.

The frightened mother rushed back to the campus and was stunned by what she heard - the principal, vice-principal and her daughter's teacher were all waiting for her in the office, telling her they'd received allegations that Victoria had been the victim of sexual abuse - and that the CAS had been notified.

How did they come by such startling knowledge? Leduc was incredulous as they poured out their story.

"The teacher looked and me and said: 'We have to tell you something. The educational assistant who works with Victoria went to see a psychic last night, and the psychic asked the educational assistant at that particular time if she works with a little girl by the name of "V." And she said 'yes, I do.' And she said, 'well, you need to know that that child is being sexually abused by a man between the ages of 23 and 26.'"

Victoria, who is non-verbal, had also been exhibiting sexualized behaviour in class, actions which are known to be typical of autistic behavior. That lead authorities to suspect she had a bladder infection that may have somehow been related to the 'attack.'

There's more. It's

"The business-speak that I abhor is 'pre-prepare' and 'forward planning.' Is there any other kind of preparedness or planning?"

"My employers (top half of FTSE 100) recently informed staff that we are no longer allowed to use the phrase 'brain storm' because it might have negative connotations associated with fits. We must now take 'idea showers.' I think that says it all really."--Anonymous, England

"I work in one of those humble call centres for a bank. Apparently, what we're doing at the moment is 'sprinkling our magic' along the way. It's a call centre, not Hogwarts."--Caroline Garlick, Ayrshire

I was driving home after getting an oil change when I found myself behind a ridiculous, black, full-size Hummer. "Why are you telling us this," you ask? Because the fucker was absolutely *plastered* with an equally ridiculous number of earth-friendly/eco-hippie/green-living bumper stickers. It was practically wallpapered with them, as if a layer of trite and tired one-liners could somehow distract the casual observer from the fact the vehicle beneath is a gas-guzzling behemoth of the vilest kind. The irony made me cringe.

It's been suggested that the choice of decor could, in fact, be parody display. I do not doubt the possibility, although a bit of well-planned eco-vandalism seems just as likely.

Oh, now this is just priceless.

Okay, not *priceless*, exactly... For just $40 a year, believers can arrange for up to 62 people to get a final message exactly six days after the Rapture, that day when -- according to Christian end times dogma -- Christians will be swept up to heaven, while doubters are left behind to suffer seven years of Tribulation under a global government headed by the Antichrist.

(Via supergee...)

"Somewhere a Fox News editor's history teacher is weeping."

The money quote: “Rich people, God bless us. We deserve all the opportunities to make sure our country and our blessings continue to the next generation.”

I received an email today suggesting that I owe it to myself to go on the disturbingly named "Life Support Diet."

(Turn off/down your speakers unless you want to get .midi'd to death.)

We recommend destroying or burning all dolls. This includes stuffed animals. Boys don't call their little toys "dolls", but they fall into the same category. Many "toys" on the market today are demonic in nature, and some even look evil. As a Christian parent, you need to raise your children more in tune with God instead of the influences of the devil.

Also: "The Lord began to show us the legal grounds satan held. It was in his dolls!

He had received one for Christmas and a small plastic boy sailor doll at birth. The Lord also told my husband of various stuffed toys (in shapes of animals - whales, dogs and kangaroos), a plastic toy "Big Bird" and matching bib. These were thrown away and curses from them broken. (Look for strange sicknesses or diseases that will not heal in children.)

When the Lord commanded that "no graven images" were to be made, He wasn't being cruel and heartless. He knew the damage they could put upon people (Ex. 20:4). The Lord has also shown us that puppets are a deception and the Lord places a curse on those that use deceit (Jer. 48:10)."

And this little gem: "I want to give you some information about two demons that were recently revealed to me. The first one's name is "GYROMANCY". GYROMANCY is appearing on the new FRUITOPIA bottled fruit drink." And, apparently, in Red Lobster restaurants, as well: "We were even in Red Lobster and the plates we were being served on, has the spiral COIL throughout the center and on the outside edge were 8 fish with spirals in their belly." Because really--isn't it obvious that *every* spiral indicates the presence of GYROMANCY...?

The gentleman in question is, in his own words, "lactose incompetant."

Call me over-cautious, but I'm taking this (and all the other incidents of blog-entry-fallout) as a sign that I should be locking a lot more posts.

Anything could be a screening tool--interests lists, photos, groups, the (fucking) company one keeps... "Oh, look--this one's queer *AND* has multiple partners! We can charge him a fortune and then deny him coverage if he ever gets sick!"

(Via supergee.)

I don't think so. And neither does the AAP.

Since the airing of an anti-vaccination themed episode of Eli Stone, the anti-vaccination crowd has been riding the wave of the show's thinly-veiled assertion that vaccination with Thimerosal causes Autism. Indeed, one of the most common tactics of the antivaccination movement is to present heart-rending stories of "vaccine-damaged" children. Indeed, this is a key strategy designed to obtain "compensation" through lawsuits and the autism omnibus. In response, the AAP has been circulating an e-mail seeking to fight fire with fire[...]

In short, if you're the parent of an autistic child, or the parent of a child who contracted an illness that could have been prevented by vaccination (it's not safe to vaccinate some children), consider contacting the AAP and contributing to their campaign to encourage vaccination.

I'm not saying that vaccination carries -0-risk. It is, however, both effective and socially responsible.

One noticed, as the address began, that it wasn't a matter of Bush waiting for the applause to *stop* before he continued speaking so much as a rather obvious refusal to speak until applause had begun in the first place.

My father may yet die from machismo. But first, let me give you a bit of background so you can fully appreciate the depths of the stupid.

Early last week, my father ended up sticking his finger on a ceiling nail. In a crawlspace polluted with raw sewage.

Unsurprisingly, infection ensued.

Now, bear in mind that my father has colon cancer, and is scheduled for yet another surgery on the 25th--a surgery he can't have unless they clear up what appeared to be a raging staph infection. His finger looked like a mutant sausage, in that moist, vaguely slimy sort of way in which we tend to portray mutants.

This email, sent to me this morning, is the latest act in this Festival of Yuck.

Here's a piece of info I know you want to hear about. Remember I told you about me sticking my finger on a nail at Granddad Joe's? Well it got better, then it got worse, then better, then real bad for the past three days. Well last night after my bath I took a good look at it. It had a very small white dot that looked as if it was wet under it. Sooo being the brave person I am, I got the tweeezers and grapped that white dot. It came out easily bringing with it a white glob of terrible looking what seemed to be living protoplasm. So I got my glasses and took a good look at it laying on the counter, it was a thin white thread with all these little yellow sacs attached. If you think that's bad, read on. I had to get very close to see those little white sacs and when I did can I tell you how badly it smelled, I almost lost my dinner! I want to say those little white sacs were moving, but I can't say for sure, the smell was getting to me and the entire glob took a trip into our spetic system. Better keep an eye out, maybe it will keep on growing and climb out of the septic tank during the night. But with that said, my finger is on it's way to recovery this morning.

One wants to weep.

For god's sake, am I the ONLY person who reads this and thinks, "Gaaaaaahhhh! Nasty! Parasite! Egg sacs! Gaaahhhhh!" feels like puking, and suffers the Yucky Shiver-Cringe of Gross?

Why did he flush it? WHY? Any sane person would have put the little fucker in a baggie and taken it to the fucking M.D. to identify its putrid, stinking, egg-encrusted ass, so as to be best prepared to KILL IT and all its foetid larvae. (Can you IMAGINE how many eggs came off that thing when he extracted it? God. I feel sick.)

At first, I was sure that this was a deliberate attempt at humor. Sadly, I believe it's quite unintentional.

NBC's Knight Rider redux is set to air on February 17, giving slash fans everywhere fresh fodder for stickshift-sex. (Perhaps it's just my opinion, but it occurs to me that nothing that lubricates a car's engine should be used to lubricate the human ass. Just saying.)

The new KITT is a Shelby Mustang GT500KR. (Black, of course.)

You can see a bit of it in the 15 second promo clip, below.



(Via scifiwire.)

Via warrenelliscom...

The Stomp Monkey.

(Oddly heartwarming, but not particularly scintillating for the chimp.)

Well, this was a first.

After kit_kallist went to work last evening and I'd made a bit of dinner, I decided to toast a couple marshmallows in front of the woodstove. I set the draught, cracked the door for a second so no smoke would get into the house, and then opened the door. A few seconds after I sat down in front of the stove, a huge gust of wind blew *down* the chimney, right into my face, filling the room with smoke. To say that it was *very warm* would be an understatement.

The end result: two smoked marshmallows and a couple ovals around my eyes where my glasses blocked the soot.

Fortunately, I still have eyebrows, but I imagine that I'll smell like a charcoal briquette for a few days since hair really holds smoke.

You know, I've done this a *thousand fucking times,* and I've never been hit with a down draught before. Needless to say, I won't be making any more marshmallows until the wind advisory is lifted.

like a boneless ham.


(Squipped from a few of you, as it's been making the rounds lately.)

Apparently, the FaceBook folks are blocking a single, solitary word (with regard to gender or sexual preference) from appearing in their adverts.

"Lesbian."

(Via mutster101.)

EDIT: marnanel points out that FaceBook almost certainly blocks words considered to be obscene or indicative of inappropriate or illegal activities, and that "lesbian" has likely fallen in with other banned words because the admins associate it with porn. (Because really, who *doesn't* think of porn when they think of lesbians? Hell, who doesn't think of porn when they think of gay cowboys eating pudding?)