the Philippine Department of Health has issued some advice (and warnings) for those taking part in Easter crucifixion rituals. Sterilization of whips, for example, is apparently quite important if one wishes to avoid inconveniently located infections after the requisite period of self-flagellation.

Who'd've thought?

While this was originally left as a comment to another post, the poster then locked said post. (Or locked me out of it--I don't really know.)

Since then, I've seen quite a few people around here doing the New Years eXtreme Resolution(!!!) thing. As some of them are (in my opinion) taking things waaaaaaay too far, this seems like something of an appropriate open response. I've edited it a bit to make it a bit more universal, but I still address D/s a bit, near the end. That said, it's nothing graphic or even offensive. (Well, not to my sensibilities, anyway.)


EDIT: Oh, and the mood I have listed? It's nothing to do with this post.
--------------------------------------------------------------

It always seems to me that the determination to reinvent oneself springs from the desire to attract a mate. This is really rather depressing. I'm not saying that human beings aren't capable of improvement--most monkeys are. It's the reason behind the motivation that concerns me.

Improvement shouldn't be about reshaping yourself into what others might want you to be--it's about what you want for yourself. If there are things you want to learn because you would take pleasure in having that particular skill or ability, fine. If, on the other hand, you're flailing around trying to learn things that will make you more appealing to someone else... Not so fine.

Find *yourself.* Improve all you want, learn for the sake of learning, even, but focus on things that sincerely interest you. Life is far too short to spend such dear currency on anything less than the things you find most fulfilling. All the re-patterning of thought processes and changing of styles and whatnot isn't going to do a bit of good if that's not accurately reflecting who you are. Fly your own flag, for heaven's sake. For all the talk of finding yourself and your center, you seem to be creating someone else entirely--a hybrid that's neither you, nor her, here, nor there.

(Don't misunderstand me, here. I respect anyone who has the strength and self-restraint and discipline to change the things about themselves that cause them grief, or pain. That's brilliant and admirable and I only wish I had that kind of drive when it comes to my own personal demon--organized, deliberate, gym-based exercise. Ugh! :P)

That said, if you truly believe you're so fucked up that you need to start from scratch, that's certainly your decision to make. But I think that others here would agree that you spend too much time trying to be this-or-that when you could be being *you.* Just because a specific person (or specific people) didn't find you as appealing as you found them does NOT mean you need to go on a self-deprecation and re-invention binge. It means that they didn't find you appealing.

Now get with me, here, and try to take this in.

This is not the end of the world.

Think about it this way. How many people do you meet and think, casually and without hostility or disgust, "Nice enough guy/girl, but (s)he's not really my type." Plenty, I'm sure. You're not attracted to everyone, and everyone isn't attracted to you. That's fair, right? Sure, it would be lovely if EVERYone found you irresistible and you had your pick of the smitten creatures, but I think that would open a whole new can of worms that might prove far more inconvenient and ultimately unappealing. :)

Meeting someone who likes you as you are isn't easy, but it's not all that improbable, either. Eventually, you WILL find a mutual attraction that can be acted on ethically. And believe me, I hope to high heaven that the lucky person likes YOU, not your potential. At the end of the day, we're all human beings--fallible, vulnerable, and flawed. If you go into a relationship wherein both of you see the other for who they are and are okay with that... That's gold.

Hell, that's *platinum.* Run with it.

Until then, don't fucking settle, and don't focus your energy on things that aren't important and meaningful to you. If a man wants a blank slate, he can find himself a head-trauma victim. If a man wants a toy, he can buy one. If he wants a relationship, he finds a woman with interests, passions and talents who doesn't *need* him to complete her.

It's nice to be needed, certainly, but far more rewarding to have a strong, independent partner who is there because she chooses to be. And, in this case, who submits because she wants to, not because she's trapped by finances or emotional weakness. Who isn't settling. Settling doesn't do either person any favors. (Nor does staying with someone out of pity, or fear of hurting their feelings.) And yeah, waiting sucks, but settling is just... ugly. Ugly and demeaning to bath parties, and with it comes a propensity for mutual viciousness that belies the seeming inequity in these situations.

You'd think that the person settling had the power in the relationship. But why did they settle in the first place? Their own low self esteem, perhaps. Or maybe they were in a financial bind and figured it would be "just for a while."

And then things go wrong, as they often do. Years pass, and the settler has yet to pack up the wagon and move on to greener pastures. The potential for resentment there is staggering.

But what about the other poor bastard? Is their position particularly enviable? God, no. Even if it wasn't that obvious from the get-go, eventually the person realizes that something isn't right, or they sense their partner's discontent and begin to fear that they're about to be abandoned. If they're deeply enamored, they may well go to great lengths to try to make things better. This, too, is a recipe for resentment. They feel hurt and deceived, and rightly so. And even though they might not be as "trapped" as their partner, they're often even more deeply invested in the relationship as they're usually the one who has been compromising and peacekeeping and trying to make things work.

Sometimes, these arrangements linger on, fizzling a bit here and there but never exploding, and they eventually fade away. As often as not, they don't go so quietly.


Don't settle.


And I don't think you should worry about whether any of this can really apply to a submissive, either. If you're sincerely looking to be 24/7, great--set about making yourself as marketable as possible. But I think that expecting service to give your life meaning and purpose is asking a *lot.* And it's asking a lot of the man you'll be serving.

So live your life. And take care of yourself first. That's the best position from which to care for others.

Well, I've held off on mentioning this here in LJ Land because I really wanted to make sure that all the relevant duckies were in a row. Now that they are, I feel comfortable saying that I am, in fact, still working for the same company I was working for through Christmas. Hell, I've been working there for almost every Halloween (and occasionally year-round) since Christmas 1996. But now, my job title has changed.

After a frank discussion with a regional manager regarding my previously undisclosed kinky side, he decided that I'm the perfect person to handle some of the more... adult aspects of one of our compay's flagship stores. (I'm also working on getting a nice little .html template set up so I can send out attractive letters and product updates, changing the current eBay situation, shifting the buying approch for the adult entertainment departmet, and the implementation of the new POS system.)

I was, frankly, shocked that he made the offer. I'd only bothered bringing it up since the season was over and while a year-round job would have been nice, I really had nothing to lose. So I told the regional about my particular interests, and let *him* come to the conclusion that I'd be useful.

It was actually quite amusing, in retrospect. He was openly shocked as I talked to him, and even made a couple comments to the effect of, "But you're so... quiet." :P

It then dawned on me, a couple days later, that I'm now completely and totally *out.*

Kinky: Parents?--Check. Friends?--Check. Employer?--Check.
Bisexuality: Parents?--Check. Friends?--Check. Employer?--Check.
Poly/Non-monogamy: Parents?--Check. Friends?--Check. Employer?--Check.

I'm out. I'm totally, completely out. All my traits and activities that society traditionally regards as Don't Ask, Don't Tell have been addressed with each of the three main groups of people I deal with on a daily basis. I've been out as bisexual since college. My parents were less than thrilled, but they got over it.

I've been out as kinky to friends and family for years--less so with family, but gradually it reached a point where I'd say, "Yes, it's a party, but it's one of *those* parties, mom--you might not want to know." (One of my fondest memories is still of my eighty-something-year-old grandmother looking me right in the eye and declaring, "One of these days I need to ask you exactly what it is that you folks do." I almost passed out. :P)

Same with the non-monogamy thing. I never made any dramatic dinner table announcements or had a big sit-down wherein I dropped a Fuck Convention Bomb on my parents' heads, but I always openly talked about who I was going out with, and I never evaded or shied away from the implications when my parents would make statements like, "It sounds like you're getting a little *over-involved* with this guy." I always responded to every comment or question with the truth, and that hasn't changed.

It hasn't always been easy, but I can only imagine how... *vile* I'd feel if I'd had to sneak around and lie about my personal life all the time. I've always been glad of my decision to be straightforward with my family and friends about my lifestyle choices, and while I was okay with not being out as poly at work, I got over that eventually. It still rankled a bit, though. Realistically, the workplace seemed to be the last environment in which it could be construed as appropriate to get into lifestyle discussions, but there was also that lingering loathing for evasion and lies. So really, this new development feels like I've finally found the way to make that last puzzle piece fit.

Hell, when J offered me the job, I was thrilled. The first thing I wanted to do was shout it from the rooftops because I think it's just so damn cool. And now, I realize that I *can* shout it from the rooftops if I want to. It's finally completely safe.

I am so at peace with my life right now. :)

(This isn't my way of saying, "Out yourselves, dammit! It's the One True Way!" I know that there are many, many good reasons for people to keep various facets of their lives secret from their friends, families or co-workers. Kudos to those who have the sense to know when to shut up about something that might ultimately prove damaging to them in their present situation. I respect choices--I'm just saying that I made mine, and I'm happy with the results.)

Dear DomlyDom of the Week:

If you're going to play the "I'm so fucking smart, bow down to my gigantic brain" game with me, don't. While it is certainly possible for one to "guard" their loins, I'm reasonably sure you're too stupid to have been intentionally cute, and therefore you probably meant to say "gird." The phrase is "gird your loins" you sad, silly person.

No Love--
Ivy

My throat is killing me. I'd think it was strep if I didn't have the other lovely symptoms of a sinus infection. I could hardly be in a worse mood for fuckwittage, let alone some ridiculous twit who thinks that pulling the "You're obviously just waiting for a RealDom(TM) to teach you how to show respect--Respect ME, Worthless Bitch!" routine is a good idea. (And that dropping some big words in his cookie-cutter-predictable I'M YOUR MASTER NOW email will make me go all gooey.)

It *did* give me a laugh, but that made my throat hurt so I had to have a go at the guy. Which ended up making me feel guilty, as was not very sporting. (More like shooting fish in a barrel, really.) So I've blocked Captain Douchenozzle and had done with it.

Feh. I hate it when my brain is desperately seeking Something Engaging To Do but my body has other plans. (My eyes feel like they're burning when I read or watch a monitor/TV for too long.)

There's been a good bit of discussion/ranting going on over in theferrett's LJ regarding this "marriage contract." There are multiple pages, so do read it all if you're interested.

For the record, that kind of contract would *never* work for me. But that's not to say that I don't find some aspects of it appealing. However, I find the "Oh noes! They have No Safewordz!!11!!eleventy-one!1!" comments annoying. That's the least of this woman's problems, IMO. While my impulse is to shrug and say, "There's an ass for every seat," the fact remains that this type of arrangement really *works* for some people. It's their idea of safety, security and contentment, and I would not attempt to prevent anyone from knowingly entering into an arrangement like this one because it's none of my business and these contracts are only worth the weight that the couple or group involved is willing to give them.

That said, there's been a whole lotta focus on how this contract is opening the door for all kinds of abuse. Sorry, but that poorly worded, one-sided piece of paper is not determining the inevitability of abuse any more readily than if she'd simply moved in with demanding, controlling, domineering festering asshole of a person who wanted to subjugate another human being against their will. That contract is *all* about how that guy's wiring is crossed nine ways from Sunday--and since it's SO far from legally binding as to be laughable, abuses based on it are just as offensive as those inflicted in a contractless relationship.

Those contracts work as long as there is a mutual desire to comply with the boundaries and rules the couple agrees on. If there's no mutual agreement, that contract is *nothing* but words, *unless* the controlling party has some other power over the ostensibly powerless party.

So what I'm getting at, I suppose, is that Master Fucknut would have abused her with or without the paperwork; she was powerless *long* before he wrote it. Don't blame the contract. It's just evidence of a disease--it's most certainly not the cause of it.

Since there are some new eyes perusing all this self-indulgent excess verbiage, I think I should take a minute to mention filters again.

I filter posts relating to BDSM/sex, polyamory, generally personal things, girl stuff, and things involving pets. I also make quite a few general "Friends Only" posts that include everyone on my Flist. Everything else is usually left unlocked.

If you want to be included in any of these filters, let me know.

Do be aware that if I don't know you very well, or if we've not met in an environment that makes me inclined to believe that we share a common respect for one another's kinks/privacy, I may not add you to certain groups. Also... Guys/men/those who identify as male-type-folks: You are not in the Girls Only group. If you identify as female and I am aware of this, you're in the group. If you're TG and "undeclared," for lack of a more PC term, rattle my cage and indicate if you'd like to be included. (I'm only being picky about this filter because I don't want to get boy-germs on my girlie posts. :P )

I'm screening all replies, so if you're new/ish and want to be in on some of these groups, say so. By the same token--if you're reading things that make your eyes bleed and the screaming just won't stop, say the word and I'll take you out of any groups that aren't working for you.

So, now's your chance. What do you want to see?

EDIT: "Screening" replies means that only I can see what you've written, unless I choose to "unscreen" it. Just make sure to say whether you:
A.) want your reply left private, or
B.) are okay with it being made public.

No, User37383...

...your reputation does not "proceed" you. Is there any reason that it should? Are you notorious for errors like this, or was I supposed to quiver with barely subdued lust at your oh-so-subtly expressed implications of impressive sexual prowess?

Once again, I find myself amazed that a man who fancies himself a top/Dom/Master is so deeply and entirely devoid of any of the qualities that could possibly make him appealing as such. Sorry, but the only word that pops to mind when I look at your grossly inappropriate user pic (which I have reported, btw) is "twerp". I have no wish to worship your cock, or, indeed, any of your various bits, nor did I wish to SEE them. Now that I have seen That Which Cannot Be Un-seen, I can only say that I find you icky. Icky, icky, icky. And that is not the DayQuil talking.

Please do not darken my InBox with your vile missives again.

Sincerely, ~`~Ivy

Why, oh WHY did I decide to check my various in-boxes before heading off to bed? I swear, I should have this set up as a form letter...


Dear Pompous, Presumptuous Domly-Dom:

If you have not mastered the english language, I can sincerely say that you will *never* Master me.

Regards--
Ivy