I've been on a fanfic reading binge, and it's already starting to get to me. No, not the trite, overused plot devices and Mary Sues. Not the grossly unrealistic lube-free mansex, or the obscene feminization of male characters in order to justify their homoerotic experiences. (After all, ONE of them has to be the bitch, right?)

No, none of these things have pushed me over the edge.

It's more basic than that.

It's the rampant, careless slaughter of a helpless language that is making my eyes cross.

If you're going to write fanfic, you should have a cheat-sheet of some basic spelling and grammar tips to help you better navigate the tortuous maze of words you're torturing me with.

Let's start with an easy one, shall we?

Breath and breathe. You draw breath, you breathe air. Ex.--"He breathed his last breath gazing into his grieving lover's eyes." (You know who you are.)

To, too, two. Ex.--Are you going to two cons this summer, too?

Come, cum. Largely a matter of personal preference, I suppose, but I am firmly of the belief that "cum" is a noun and does NOT function as a verb. "Come" is a verb. Nothing makes my skin crawl more than reading, "Oh God, I'm cuming!" (Especially with one "m".)

Faze and phase. Faze--verb. Phase--noun (a stage in a process) or verb (as when a company is "phasing out" a product). Ex.--Harry's Goth phase didn't faze Snape in the least.

Flaunt and flout. Nothing like reading about how much a female character likes to "flout her assets." :P Ex.--Giles flouted Buffy for ceaselessly flaunting her assets.

Home and hone. Here's a fun one. You cannot "home" your skills, or "hone in on" a target. Ex.--Jim used his finely-honed Sentinel abilities to home in on the killer's hiding place.

"Bated breath." The preceding phrase is correct. If you have "baited breath" does that mean your breath smells like a bait shop? Eeeeewwwww. Ex.--Frodo waited with bated breath as Legolas leaned in for a scorching kiss.

"Couldn't care less." Again, the preceding phrase is correct. If you could care less, you probably don't need to press the point by saying so. Ex.--Rose couldn't care less that the Doctor was refusing to sleep with her once she'd figured out how to set his sonic screwdriver to "vibrate".

Whet your appetite. "Whet" is correct. Don't confuse it with "wet your whistle"--it's a completely different thing.

And last but not least, these are not words at all. Misunderestimated. (Thank you, George W. Bush.) Irregardless. Enough said.

And of course, there's more. On a less grammatically pedantic note, it makes me cringe when female slashfic writers have their male characters engaging in enthusiastic, pain-free anal sex WITH NO LUBE. Hell, they don't even make the token gesture of using spit! YMMV, but the day someone tries to do me that way with no lube whatsoever is the day that they'll need to start eating all their food with a straw.

Oh! And before I forget... Could have, should have, and would have are correct. While it may *sound* like "could of", it's not. Contractions look like "could've".

Thank you, and have a nice day.